The Money Talk I Kept Putting Off With My Parents

I practiced it during drives back home. The “money talk” with my parents. I’d get into the driveway, visualize their expressions, and think of my mom becoming stiff, or dad waving his hand telling me to leave him alone, and then figure out that today wouldn’t be the best day. Perhaps the next time we visited, perhaps the next holiday. We can always wait until the next holiday.

I totally get the flinch. Talking about a parent slowly losing their mental abilities can seem very impolite. However, I’m giving you something, as nicely as I possibly can. The conversation you’re constantly delaying is the same conversation you’ll wish you had begun many years ago.

Have it while it is still boring

Imagine the worst possible moment to discover how your parents deal with money: in a hospital corridor, accounts may be locked, and no one has the ability to sign anything. According to Scott Van Den Berg, a financial advisor at Century Management in Austin, Texas, families may exhaust weeks, sometimes months, sorting through the basic details during an emergency. So, have the boring, clear-headed version of this now, while everyone is healthy and thinking clearly.

You also don’t need to hold a “family meeting” either. The simplest method to enter this topic is to ask for guidance rather than information. Cameron Huddleston, a writer covering personal finance for years, advises entering via your own life. For example, you just revised your will, or you’re establishing a power of attorney and you were interested to know how they dealt with theirs. Now it’s not a questioning session. It’s two people discussing the same subject. Also, focus on what your parents want and get to manage, not what you may inherit.

What you’re trying to learn

Visualize this process as creating a map, not conducting an audit of your mother. In a series of discussions, you want to know enough that you could step in one day without panicking. Where does your parents’ income originate, whether it’s Social Security benefits, pension funds, annuity payments, or part-time employment? Which banks and brokerages do your parents use, and is anyone else listed on those accounts? What do your parents owe? What kinds of health insurance, Medicare, and other coverage do your parents have? Where do your parents store the paperwork associated with these topics, such as a file cabinet, a safe-deposit box, or an attorney’s office? How do your parents want to be cared for if such a situation occurs?

The four papers that weigh heavily

There are four key documents that accomplish much of the heavy lifting here. Due to the unclear wording and terminology associated with each document, it’s easy for anyone’s eyes to glaze over. Here’s the unvarnished version directly from the National Institute on Aging. A durable power of attorney for finances assigns someone to make money decisions for your parent when they can’t. The word durable is what keeps this authority valid even if your parent becomes mentally incapacitated. A durable power of attorney for health care assigns someone to make medical decisions on behalf of your parent when they’re unable to communicate their wishes. A living will outlines which treatments your parent wants or doesn’t want near the end of life. Finally, a last will and sign, or a living trust, dictates how your parent’s assets will be distributed. If your parents have not created any of these documents, the least complicated approach is to schedule an appointment with an estate planning attorney familiar with your state’s laws governing these types of documents. These documents have to be signed by your parents while they retain the capacity to sign them. This provides yet another compelling reason to begin this conversation sooner than later.

“Adult kids are afraid to bring up money and estate planning for a variety of reasons.”

— Harry Margolis, elder-law attorney in Boston and author of “Get Your Ducks In a Row” (source)

It doesn’t matter if you never see all of the numbers

This is where these conversations usually break down: your parents perceive all of this as you requesting that they relinquish control or disclose their bank balance like a confession. You don’t require access to your parents’ bank statements. You need to determine whether documentation exists addressing the subjects mentioned above, whether someone reliable is assigned responsibility, and whether you could locate all relevant documentation should you need to. As soon as you say that to your parents early in the discussion, you’ll see their shoulders relax. You aren’t there to assume control. You’re there so that no one needs to search for it in the dark.

I delayed longer than I should have. Once I began, using the most mundane method possible on an ordinary afternoon, it didn’t resemble the scene I feared. Instead, it felt like a collective relief for everyone involved. Begin before you need to. That’s the entire secret.

Pick the moment, not the meeting

There’s a way to have this kind of talk that goes south, and it usually has the air of an ambush: you’re all put in front of the kitchen table for a hard conversation on the subject of death and finances. But there’s a better, more unobtrusive way to do it. Make it part of a car ride or a walk, or even while you’re at the sink with some dishes. These are the times when you don’t have to be looking at one another and no one is put on the spot. A well-timed, offhand question will take you places a formal meeting never could.

There’s value in making it about your own situation first. Bring up the fact that you have put your will or power of attorney in order and see what they have done on their end. In a way, it puts you on equal footing as two people having a conversation rather than an inquisition. That kind of re-framing can be the fine line between being heard and having the subject put to rest.

What to do when a parent shuts it down

Then there are the times you’ll be met with a hard no. In that case, any further pressure is just going to put up more of a wall for later on. When a parent gets defensive, it’s best to step back and come at it some other time; this isn’t something you can wrap up in one go. Think of it as sowing a seed rather than making a sale. The point of an initial discussion is to pave the way for the next.

There’s a time to step back and let a neutral party do the talking, especially when pride or the need for control is in the way. It isn’t uncommon for a parent to take to heart what comes from a doctor, a lawyer or an adviser, but to put up a wall with their own child. An inquiring word from an old-time accountant about whether the numbers are right will have more weight than if you were to broach the subject. There’s no harm in having another person be the one to deliver the message.

The one folder that saves everyone later

It isn’t the heavy tomes of legal paperwork that do a family the most good in times of need, but something far more unassuming: a one-stop for all the key details. I’m not talking about the figures, but the lay of the land. The name of the bank and the insurer, the contact for the advisor, where the will can be found, the attorney’s number, the log-in for what you have to have. If an emergency, having or not having that kind of roadmap is what separates a week of composure from a month of running around in circles.

A good way to put it’s to make an offer to put something in place, with no need for a running of the numbers. The idea is to be certain their intentions are followed should they be unable to do so on their own. It’s as simple as that; let them have the file and put it where they see fit. The point is to have a reliable person in the know, one who can get to it when the time is right, and there’s no scurrying around to put things in order.

Photo by Age Cymru on Unsplash